Hello:
I contributed a chapter to the e-book below which is filled with very inspirational stories. Please share it with anyone you know with any kind of cancer, debilitating illness or that just needs encouragement to become a thriver instead of a mere survivor.
Peace and blessings,
Fay
SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT
Your FREE E-book:
How We Became Breast Cancer Thrivers
44 Stories from My Breast Cancer Thriving Friends Now Living with Conviction, Clarity, Passion and Purpose
You will read stories about choice, advocacy, advanced stages, recurrences, divorce after breast cancer, new careers, new love, life mission and life purpose.
Feel free to forward to anyone you want to and to as many as your heart desires and invite them to be part of this thriving connection.
Here is the link to download your free E-Book:
http://www.breastcancerwellness.org/ebook.html (cut and paste into your browser)
To subscribe to The Breast Cancer Wellness Magazine and have it delivered to your door for $12 annually, click here:
http://www.breastcancerwellness.org
Be a Thriver!
Beverly Vote
Publisher,
The Breast Cancer Wellness Magazine
| P. O. Box 2040 | Lebanon | MO | 65536
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Yahoooooooooooooooo and Thank You
Today was the final day of my chemotherapy. 18 weeks ago it seemed like this day was so far away, and now it here. I think I had a fear in the back of my mind that when I saw the oncologist today, he would say, "Only kidding, 6 more rounds." But he didn't. He said congratulations. I felt relieved and oh so grateful.
My friend has had 60 rounds of chemo, one a week for over a year. I cannot wrap my head around that since my discomfort these 18 weeks of only one treatment every three weeks has been so difficult at times. I lost a week every three weeks through sheer exhaustion and have not been able to really taste food for all this time. I thought the worst part would be losing my hair, but it wasn't all that bad. The worst part were the days I spent in the hospital. My misery index was very high then. But now it is all over. I can look forward to feeling better and better.
I am so grateful to be here at this moment none the worst for wear really. There is still the radiation treatments starting in December. But I know that too will come and go, and I will move on with my life once again. The doctor said about 80% of my energy will return in two months and the rest within six month, just in time for graduation and summer. I want to go and visit my family next summer. It was hard knowing I would not see them this year at all and that I missed the christening of my grandneice last month.
I am also grateful for my practice. I believe spending the summer in retreat before I started my treatments gave just the right support and sustained me through all of it. My mind has been so still at times, it is surprising and wonderful to experience. At times when things seemed so difficult like when I was in the hospital, it allowed me to just be with the experience and not add anything extra to my suffering.
I am grateful to my family, friends and sangha. So many people tell me that I am in their thoughts, prayers, and/or tonglen practice. I know too that this energy sustains me and makes my heart glad. I send great gratitude and love to all of you.
Lastly, I am grateful to the Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche for being my teacher and taking on the task of continuing and nurturing the Shambhala lineage. I have found a spiritual home that will sustain me through many lifetimes. Many blessings to you.
My friend has had 60 rounds of chemo, one a week for over a year. I cannot wrap my head around that since my discomfort these 18 weeks of only one treatment every three weeks has been so difficult at times. I lost a week every three weeks through sheer exhaustion and have not been able to really taste food for all this time. I thought the worst part would be losing my hair, but it wasn't all that bad. The worst part were the days I spent in the hospital. My misery index was very high then. But now it is all over. I can look forward to feeling better and better.
I am so grateful to be here at this moment none the worst for wear really. There is still the radiation treatments starting in December. But I know that too will come and go, and I will move on with my life once again. The doctor said about 80% of my energy will return in two months and the rest within six month, just in time for graduation and summer. I want to go and visit my family next summer. It was hard knowing I would not see them this year at all and that I missed the christening of my grandneice last month.
I am also grateful for my practice. I believe spending the summer in retreat before I started my treatments gave just the right support and sustained me through all of it. My mind has been so still at times, it is surprising and wonderful to experience. At times when things seemed so difficult like when I was in the hospital, it allowed me to just be with the experience and not add anything extra to my suffering.
I am grateful to my family, friends and sangha. So many people tell me that I am in their thoughts, prayers, and/or tonglen practice. I know too that this energy sustains me and makes my heart glad. I send great gratitude and love to all of you.
Lastly, I am grateful to the Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche for being my teacher and taking on the task of continuing and nurturing the Shambhala lineage. I have found a spiritual home that will sustain me through many lifetimes. Many blessings to you.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
A Rose By Any Other Name
So for those of you that do not know, I have changed my name back to my maiden name Fay Octavia Elliott.
I still have the very first Social Security card that I received at 15 with that name on it. My new card now has the same name. So I have two. I remember how eagerly I changed my name the first time almost 40 years ago. I was so excited to be Mrs. Michael Gillis. Many years later, I did it again and became Mrs. Lawrence Moore. I have decided that from now until I die I will be just me and not apendage myself to someone else.
I am not saying I will never marry again because indeed, I hope I will. But the only reason I can imagine to change one's name now is for the sake of the children and the confusion it causes in their lives. After over 30 years of being married, I never had children. All these years though I have had me, and it seems on many levels never claimed me. I never even told anyone that Octavia was my middle name. As a child it was a source of embarassment. I asked, "Why would my parents do that to a child?" Now I am told I have a beautiful, elegant name. Perhaps I had to grow into it. I know I have grown to love it. I now have to get used to saying it and writing it.
So am I someone different now that I have a different name? Only time will tell. Perhaps the name was changed to catch up with the me that I have already become.
Fay Octavia Elliott
I still have the very first Social Security card that I received at 15 with that name on it. My new card now has the same name. So I have two. I remember how eagerly I changed my name the first time almost 40 years ago. I was so excited to be Mrs. Michael Gillis. Many years later, I did it again and became Mrs. Lawrence Moore. I have decided that from now until I die I will be just me and not apendage myself to someone else.
I am not saying I will never marry again because indeed, I hope I will. But the only reason I can imagine to change one's name now is for the sake of the children and the confusion it causes in their lives. After over 30 years of being married, I never had children. All these years though I have had me, and it seems on many levels never claimed me. I never even told anyone that Octavia was my middle name. As a child it was a source of embarassment. I asked, "Why would my parents do that to a child?" Now I am told I have a beautiful, elegant name. Perhaps I had to grow into it. I know I have grown to love it. I now have to get used to saying it and writing it.
So am I someone different now that I have a different name? Only time will tell. Perhaps the name was changed to catch up with the me that I have already become.
Fay Octavia Elliott
Till Death Do We Part
My little boy cat Colbi was killed last night by a coyote. It was a gisly site and certainly not the way I would like to remember my amazing "acrobat o cat." He could fly through the air with such grace and turn sommersaults. It was a such a joy to play with him. And so those are the pictures I am trying to hold in my head.
We found his little body right across the road in front of my house, and that is where I buried him with my own hands. I didn't even have a shovel. I used a scissor to dig the dirt and a cat liter trowel to move the dirt. It didn't seem to matter how hard it was. It seemed I needed to do something physical.
My professor Lama Tempa says that what happens to us is our karma. So, my faith in what I believe was tested today, to know and to accept that this was my dear one's karma and my karma to not share in his future. When I found him at the shelter, he had a kidney problem. I adopted him because he was from a "kill" shelter and I thought he would have a hard time being adopted. For 8 short months at least his life was extended and mine was enhanced. I am very grateful.
Who knows why we come into each other's lives and how long we will share our time here. For sure, grief and suffering are real. I believe too that while I will grieve for Colbi's passing, the gift of my practice is that I will not prolong the suffering. "This too shall pass."
May Colbi have a very blessed rebirth.
We found his little body right across the road in front of my house, and that is where I buried him with my own hands. I didn't even have a shovel. I used a scissor to dig the dirt and a cat liter trowel to move the dirt. It didn't seem to matter how hard it was. It seemed I needed to do something physical.
My professor Lama Tempa says that what happens to us is our karma. So, my faith in what I believe was tested today, to know and to accept that this was my dear one's karma and my karma to not share in his future. When I found him at the shelter, he had a kidney problem. I adopted him because he was from a "kill" shelter and I thought he would have a hard time being adopted. For 8 short months at least his life was extended and mine was enhanced. I am very grateful.
Who knows why we come into each other's lives and how long we will share our time here. For sure, grief and suffering are real. I believe too that while I will grieve for Colbi's passing, the gift of my practice is that I will not prolong the suffering. "This too shall pass."
May Colbi have a very blessed rebirth.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Deja Vu All Over Again
This is the second time I have been diagnosed with breast cancer. The first time was in 1998. While rummaging around in my garage, I found my old journals from that time. Interestingly they were barely focused on the cancer but instead mostly focused on my spiritual life. I thought being on leave and recovering from the cancer would be a time of deep spiritual practice and recovery. While I did attend quite a few retreats, I feel like I squandered an opportunity. I somehow managed to be quite busy that whole time and my meditation practice flew out the window.
And so now oddly as this will sound, it feels like I have been given a second opportunity. I don't plan to blow it this time. As I mentioned in my last blog, I just returned from Vajrayana seminary and I have one-year of practices to complete before I can take my final vajrayana vow. I know of myriad people who have taken years to do this or have never finished despite the best of intentions. I know I will be particularly challenged with another year of classes and the fatigue and difficulties of chemo and radiation therapy, but I am going for it. If I don't make it in a year, at least I will have tried.
On the other hand, it would be refreshingly different for me to appreciate that I am not well, and take it easy. In truth, I am going to let my body be my guide this time and practice as often as it will allow me.
Wish me luck.
And so now oddly as this will sound, it feels like I have been given a second opportunity. I don't plan to blow it this time. As I mentioned in my last blog, I just returned from Vajrayana seminary and I have one-year of practices to complete before I can take my final vajrayana vow. I know of myriad people who have taken years to do this or have never finished despite the best of intentions. I know I will be particularly challenged with another year of classes and the fatigue and difficulties of chemo and radiation therapy, but I am going for it. If I don't make it in a year, at least I will have tried.
On the other hand, it would be refreshingly different for me to appreciate that I am not well, and take it easy. In truth, I am going to let my body be my guide this time and practice as often as it will allow me.
Wish me luck.
It's Been Awhile - New Me
When my course was over, I wasn't sure if I would write in this blog any more, but I feel inspired to do so again.
In May, I was diagnosed with a reoccurence of breast cancer. The cancer was removed and now I am taking chemotherapy. In the process of losing my hair, I had a dream. Actually two dreams. First I dreamed that I standing in the bathroom holding hands full of my hair; and that dream came true a few days later. In the second dream, I dreamed about my birth name: Fay Octavia Elliott. In the dream, I was told to reclaim my name and myself. So I leagally changed my name back to the name of my birth instead of the name of someone who was once married to someone.
So now I am myself again. I really debated taking a license picture with a bald head, but I was inspired by all the positive feedback I have received from friends and total strangers like the young woman in the ladies room yesterday that said "cool haircut." I figure I now look the way I looked when I was born, and I am 'born again' as me. So why not. Today I got a new driver's license with me as I am, no wig or cover up. It has never bothered me that I lost my hair, but I was reluctant to subject others to it. Ah vanity!
I feel born again in other ways too. I just came home from Vajrayana seminary in July and there took transmission as a vajrayana student. So now, I have entered a new phase of Buddhist practice. I am looking forward to this next year with deep appreciation for my Shambhala Buddhist lineage and the sacredness of all things.
In May, I was diagnosed with a reoccurence of breast cancer. The cancer was removed and now I am taking chemotherapy. In the process of losing my hair, I had a dream. Actually two dreams. First I dreamed that I standing in the bathroom holding hands full of my hair; and that dream came true a few days later. In the second dream, I dreamed about my birth name: Fay Octavia Elliott. In the dream, I was told to reclaim my name and myself. So I leagally changed my name back to the name of my birth instead of the name of someone who was once married to someone.
So now I am myself again. I really debated taking a license picture with a bald head, but I was inspired by all the positive feedback I have received from friends and total strangers like the young woman in the ladies room yesterday that said "cool haircut." I figure I now look the way I looked when I was born, and I am 'born again' as me. So why not. Today I got a new driver's license with me as I am, no wig or cover up. It has never bothered me that I lost my hair, but I was reluctant to subject others to it. Ah vanity!
I feel born again in other ways too. I just came home from Vajrayana seminary in July and there took transmission as a vajrayana student. So now, I have entered a new phase of Buddhist practice. I am looking forward to this next year with deep appreciation for my Shambhala Buddhist lineage and the sacredness of all things.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Last One For Now Anyway
Until a very few moments ago, I didn't know how much relief I would feel when I finished my last assignment. I still have one warrior' exam, but as I added the final sentence to my script for the podcast, I felt such relief. Unlike Bret the day after Thanksgiving, I did not give in to the weather and spent the whole day at my computer writing papers. I spent my whole holiday except for Thursday (5 days off) writing papers and asssignments. Today I also realized I am half-way through my course work if I can keep up the pace. It seems a relief to realize there are only 3 more semesters of this intensity that seems almost unbearable at times.
I love my courses and am very grateful for the insights that come from them. But the price is very high. As I get older, life is increasingly more precious and sometimes it feels like I have given up 3 years of this precious life to create a hopefully new precious life. I believe it is worth it. I hope I am right.
I love my courses and am very grateful for the insights that come from them. But the price is very high. As I get older, life is increasingly more precious and sometimes it feels like I have given up 3 years of this precious life to create a hopefully new precious life. I believe it is worth it. I hope I am right.
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