Deja Vu All Over Again

This is the second time I have been diagnosed with breast cancer. The first time was in 1998. While rummaging around in my garage, I found my old journals from that time. Interestingly they were barely focused on the cancer but instead mostly focused on my spiritual life. I thought being on leave and recovering from the cancer would be a time of deep spiritual practice and recovery. While I did attend quite a few retreats, I feel like I squandered an opportunity. I somehow managed to be quite busy that whole time and my meditation practice flew out the window.

And so now oddly as this will sound, it feels like I have been given a second opportunity. I don't plan to blow it this time. As I mentioned in my last blog, I just returned from Vajrayana seminary and I have one-year of practices to complete before I can take my final vajrayana vow. I know of myriad people who have taken years to do this or have never finished despite the best of intentions. I know I will be particularly challenged with another year of classes and the fatigue and difficulties of chemo and radiation therapy, but I am going for it. If I don't make it in a year, at least I will have tried.

On the other hand, it would be refreshingly different for me to appreciate that I am not well, and take it easy. In truth, I am going to let my body be my guide this time and practice as often as it will allow me.

Wish me luck.

It's Been Awhile - New Me

When my course was over, I wasn't sure if I would write in this blog any more, but I feel inspired to do so again.

In May, I was diagnosed with a reoccurence of breast cancer. The cancer was removed and now I am taking chemotherapy. In the process of losing my hair, I had a dream. Actually two dreams. First I dreamed that I standing in the bathroom holding hands full of my hair; and that dream came true a few days later. In the second dream, I dreamed about my birth name: Fay Octavia Elliott. In the dream, I was told to reclaim my name and myself. So I leagally changed my name back to the name of my birth instead of the name of someone who was once married to someone.

So now I am myself again. I really debated taking a license picture with a bald head, but I was inspired by all the positive feedback I have received from friends and total strangers like the young woman in the ladies room yesterday that said "cool haircut." I figure I now look the way I looked when I was born, and I am 'born again' as me. So why not. Today I got a new driver's license with me as I am, no wig or cover up. It has never bothered me that I lost my hair, but I was reluctant to subject others to it. Ah vanity!

I feel born again in other ways too. I just came home from Vajrayana seminary in July and there took transmission as a vajrayana student. So now, I have entered a new phase of Buddhist practice. I am looking forward to this next year with deep appreciation for my Shambhala Buddhist lineage and the sacredness of all things.